Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
