we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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