Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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