id be glad to
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
