3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Will you blow on my dice?
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
