The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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