if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
