no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I just forgot I was standing up.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
