I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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