I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
