Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
