rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
