there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
