Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
