i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
