wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
