Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
