I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize