I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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