I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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