just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
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