So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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