Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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