my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
we're so committed to being not committed
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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