All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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