Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize