And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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