Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize