There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize