Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I have tasted many bathrooms
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
