I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
