Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Randomize
