you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
