I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize