I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize