careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
