plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
