don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize