So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
