We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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