Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
