walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
