Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
