I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
