he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
