Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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