You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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