the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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