I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
