my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
