Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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