My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
