i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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