batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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