I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
