i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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