help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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