a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
